Ok...so there have been some things weighing on my heart, and you know...I really don't know where to start! Have you ever had those moments...things start to overwhelm you...but you really can't pinpoint it?? That's where I am...but for some reason (God knows, I'm sure of it), I'm not stressed out about it...what I'm trying to focus on is God...for God to show me his ways...for God to show me his desires...for God to show me direction.
I have this burden...this overwhelming feeling that I am struggling with being a mother. But honestly, I haven't really been on my face...much less my knees about this. This desire to be the mommy that God wants me to be. I know I have expressed this feeling to several of you...but no matter what I do, it just doesn't go away. Being through the things that I have been through in my childhood...with my father, my biggest FEAR is that I will fail as Emalynn's mommy! Her life is too precious for that to happen...she is so innocent...and God I struggle man! I feel that God is trying to tell me to push harder...to seek Him...and I struggle with that. I struggle with trying to find the time...but is that how it's supposed to be? I shouldn't have a hard time finding time for Him, right??
So what is the true problem here (if you want to call it that) maybe underlying issue is the right phrase?? Is it really that I struggle to be the mommy I need to be...or to seek Him...to be right with Him...to lean on Him?? Oh Lord I seek you...I Desire to be right with you...to do YOUR will!
(Psalms 27:8-10 NKJV) When You said, "Seek My face," My heart said to You, "Your face, LORD, I will seek." {9} Do not hide Your face from me; Do not turn Your servant away in anger; You have been my help; Do not leave me nor forsake me, O God of my salvation. {10} When my father and my mother forsake me, Then the LORD will take care of me.
(Psalms 28:7 NKJV) The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusted in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart greatly rejoices, And with my song I will praise Him.
(Psalms 30:10-11 NKJV) Hear, O LORD, and have mercy on me; LORD, be my helper!" {11} You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness,
(Psalms 54:4 NKJV) Behold, God is my helper; The Lord is with those who uphold my life.
(Isaiah 41:10 NKJV) Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.'
(Psalms 46:1 NKJV) God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.
Lysa TurKeurst's blog today says it best:
What are you having to trust God with right now?
Remember...
One day at a time. We can't let fears or worries over tomorrow steal our joy for today.
One prayer at a time. We can't forget the source for all wisdom, perspective and peace is but a prayer away.
One step of faith at a time. If I'm going to call myself a woman of faith, I'm going to have to be willing to live a life that actually requires a little bit of faith.
http://lysaterkeurst.blogspot.com/2008/10/one-day-at-time.html
I find it amazing...it seems as though God is surrounding me with people who are seeking God too! Those who desire His will...His direction. Is it "ironic"?? Is it "coincidence"?? I think not!
I see what God is trying to tell me...and trust me...I will be on my hands and knees and face tonight! One step at a time, right??
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4 comments:
Wow, what a great blog! Keep on pressing in. God desires to make awesome changes in your heart and life. You are a great mom, but what you desire can only be accomplished through an intimate relationship with Christ. Don't worry - God sees the desires of your heart; and as you seek Him, He will bless you!!!
love you!
Samina, I fell the frustration in your words. I feel some of those things almost everyday. I aways feel like I am not doing my best and I know that I could do better but I am not sure what to do about it. It is a frustrating thing but you are doing the right thing. Your desire to want all these things and to work to be a better mommy for Ema are the best things you can do. Things will get better as long as you keep your head level and you do what you feel is best for your baby. It is good to know that I am not the only one that goes through things similar to this. You ARE a great mom, like Bree said. Believe it!
The only job you have as a Mother is to love your daughter. And obviously, you love your daughter.
Some things that have helped me in my spiritual quest....
I pray first thing in the morning, that way I don't get side tracked and forget. I pray in the car because that is usually the only time I get to myself.
I turn things over to God before I attempt to "solve" them. Unfortunately, I don't do this everytime I have an issue because I'm human and try to do things myself. But I assure you that when I ask him to help me, he helps me.
I ask God to HELP me do his will each day. God shows us what he wants from us. The hard part is for us to hear his message.
Another thing is asking myself what Jesus would do in a certain situation. Would Jesus have a 3rd glass of wine or would he exercise self control? Would Jesus snap back with a catty remark after having a confrontation or would he forgive the person for what they said? Of course Jesus would do the right thing every time. We are human and we aren't going to do the right thing every time, that's why turning things over to him is the so important.
Don't listen to those negative thoughts about your success as a Mommy. The devil is attacking your insecurities and making you struggle. God doesn't want you to be insecure. He wants you to rely on him (just as Ema relies on you).
You are a great Mommy.
God has special plans for you, so open your mind and heart and listen for his instruction. When it comes, AND IT WILL, you will know exactly what to do.
Love you girl!
my dearest mina, i know we've spent countless hours and have talked about this before...i know your heart...we all do! and God sees in you more than anyone can! all the desires you have to be a good mom, came from Him. You are a wonderful mom and NO MATTER WHAT your past holds with your parents you are NOT them and you will not make the same mistakes and cause the same hurts for your daughter. look at how bright and beautiful our Memma is. She is a gift and you gave her to the world! You are doing so many things right, but the only way to really feel secure in all of it is to give it Him! stay on your knees and when you feel like you don't have the strength to get up, ask Him to carry you and guide you and He will!
I LOVE YOU! miss you guys with all my heart! i'm proud of you =)
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